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While perusing the cluttered aisles of the Forest Park Army Navy Store in search of land mines and face paint, something behind the gun counter caught my eye. I’m usually a skeet/trap/hunting gun guy. But on this day, two racks of long heavy guns, each with a rich patina and a sign that read, “Mosin-Nagant M91/30 with bayonet and accessory pack $119.99,” broke my attention away from the bazooka sitting on a shelf above the counter.

“Those will make great Christmas gifts,” I blurted out loud. Ten years had passed since a gun not in the hands of an Oxycontin addict, thief, or a down-on-his-luck family member was offered to me at such a great price. After the other customers inched slowly away from me, I inquired about the rifles.

The shopkeep explained that the rifles are World War II-era Russian service weapons used to kill Nazis and…

I interrupted, “Stop. That’s all I needed to hear. Sold!”

Further research revealed the Russians phased the Mosin out of service after the war but refurbished, stockpiled, and stored the guns during the Cold War as reserves in case shit hit the fan. And hit the fan it did — economically speaking last year. During the past year, the Russian scramble for cash coincided with the American gun rush and once bitter enemies found peace and joy through firearms and money.

For me, it wasn’t long before Christmas rolled around and Grandma sent her annual I-don’t-know-what-to-get-you present, in the form of a check and I bolted to Forest Park to pick out my piece of history. It’s an ex-dragoon model with a hex-receiver built in 1929 at the Izhevsk plant. The dings, scuffs, stamps, and imperfections found throughout the gun’s 80-year-old body provide hours of entertainment in the form of conjuring up speculation, theories, and scenarios about its life.

Now I’ve convinced my cohorts to acquire surplus Mosins thus creating our own limited-membership gun club. Because surplus ammunition for the Mosin is plentiful too, our club can purchase cheap “spam-cans” containing 440 rounds of well-preserved Iron Curtain ammo. Spam-cans are literally steel cans that resemble a giant can of sardines or Spam and require a can-opener to open. I expect our gun-club membership to grow quickly over the next few weeks. But for now, I’ll continue to practice my bayoneting motions in the mirror and kill imaginary Nazis in my spare time.

On Wednesday of last week at Southlake Mall in the Atlanta suburb of Morrow, Georgia, a disgruntled elf threatened to “@#$% up Christmas,” according to Santa Claus.

Upset with working conditions and Claus’ authoritarian management style, the crazy-eyed elf freaked Claus out when he brandished a Zippo lighter and a festive fur-trimmed bag allegedly containing dynamite.

When the trap door Claus normally uses to dispose of insubordinate or under-performing employees failed to release, Claus screamed like a girl and reported elf number 157 to authorities who restrained and subdued the elf with large injection of Ketamine.

A bomb squad investigation later determined there were no explosives in the elf’s bag, but he was detained and charged with making terrorist threats and attempted murder for trying to induce a heart attack in the overweight Claus. An anonymous source at the Morrow police department confirmed that Elf number 157 is being held at a CIA black site in Latvia and will be tried later this week by military tribunal.

Claus was praised for his heroism and will be honored with a ticker-tape parade this Friday in Atlanta.

Read the AJC’s story HERE.

Glock_AM_1109

Written for Atlanta magazine November, 2009

After waving a semi-automatic handgun around the offices of Atlanta magazine on multiple occasions, I finally convinced the magazine’s editors to let me write an article on Glock for the “Made in Atlanta” section.

With the right kind of eyes you can read the story on my “Published Clips” page. However, if your bottle-cap glasses can’t do the job, stop being a cheap bastard and go buy a copy of the magazine. Better yet, get 13 issues for the price of 12 by purchasing a subscription and then calling the office (404-527-5500) to demand they send  you the November issue to pacify you until your subscription starts.

Aiken

Photo by Consuelo O'Malley

Check out the story I wrote about Aiken, South Carolina for Atlanta magazine’s October issue on my “Published Clips” page or on the Atlanta magazine website at:

http://www.atlantamagazine.com/Channels/Travel/story.aspx?ID=1143556

kennedy

The Marriott Wardman Park Hotel is one of those grand hotels, not unlike Nashville’s Hermitage Hotel or Atlanta’s Georgian Terrace. It lacks the Waldorf Astoria’s prominence and fame, but the stately red brick structure rises above the trees in Woodley Park and on this day overshadows every other place I’ve slept.

The Wardman Park Hotel opened its doors in 1918 celebrating the end of The Great War. As Washington, D.C.’s largest hotel, various Presidents, Vice-Presidents, Chief Justices, and Senators called the hotel home over the years.

Eric and I stood chatting in the Wardman’s lobby. Hundreds of others like us were doing the same. Under the domed cathedral ceiling, the mass of politicians, operatives, and donors hummed in conversation uttering a strange English dialect.

The vernacular consists of words developed for the purpose of not saying anything, bureaucratic acronyms, and statistical geek appellations. It’s the political equivalent to bizspeak, kitchen talk, and military lingo. Politicos use it to determine an individual’s place in the political hierarchy.

The guy behind me finished saying, “The caucus I just left was discussing how Zogby’s new polls in the field were skewing Dem because the call center is meeting their quotas on Friday nights.”

Heads turned toward the entrance of the lobby as the aspiring consultant completed his diatribe. “And come to find out, Dems are sitting at home watching TV while “Rs” are out spending money. He’s [Zogby] created a goddamn clusterfuck with these shitty numbers. He’s only polling Dems. There’s hardly any “Rs” in the cross tabs.”

By the time the rant ended, the roar of the crowd lowered to a white noise whisper and attention focused on the entrance. Some folks in the lobby congregated around the spectacle revealing their amateur status. A pro never gets starstruck and always displays a calm assertive temperament.

In my attempt not to behave like a proletariat, I stood my ground, but couldn’t resist craning my neck to see who entered the room. Unable to sneak a peek, I turned to Eric and said, “Who do you think that is?”

He responded, “I can’t tell. Maybe Clinton. I don’t know anyone else who would draw a crowd like that.”

Earlier in the day, I sat in a room with 30 or 40 others and listened to a suave Senator from North Carolina explain why he wanted to be President. He was charismatic and appeared Presidential. After his address, he mingled with the small group without much fanfare before the next “undeclared” candidate arrived.

The next candidate, the Governor of Vermont, gave a fiery speech to a crowd half the size of the previous. The short man impressed the small crowd with his accomplishments, but his tense rhetoric made him seem a little crazy. Again, with no sense of awe, the 15 or 20 people in the room conversed with the Governor before he exited the room.

I also passed a seemingly businesslike Terry McAuliffe in the hall. Like the North Carolina Senator and Governor from Vermont, the Chairman walked the halls without turning a head.

The unknown individual entering the lobby was different. The bubble surrounding this person drew the attention of hundreds as it moved across the floor in my direction. Expressionless faces turned to smiles as the bubble of people inched closer. Occasionally, someone at the edge of the bubble let out a loud chummy laugh as if sharing an inside joke with a close friend.

Within a few seconds, a well-groomed white tuft of hair came into view. The bubble approached my position and the noise of the crowd lowered waiting to hear something. Then I heard… an animal? Was that a bark?

It wasn’t exactly a bark – more of a moaning stress yawn – but it definitely came from a dog. Before the man came into view a fuzzy black dog arrived at my feet: Then another.

Astonished and confused at the sight of these two dogs in this grand hotel lobby, I looked at Eric and blurted out, “Who the fuck brought dogs into this place?”

In an equally confused tone he responded, “Don’t know.”

The dog sniffed my leg and gave me a quick glance as if to say, “You seem okay,” and continued walking. When the dogs’ owner came into view I knew instantly what the fuss was about. And like everyone else in the hotel who prided themselves on their ability to calmly mingle with important people, I stared, eyes wide open, at the square-jawed “Lion of the Senate.” As he looked me in the eye, I could only muster a single word. I nodded and said, “Senator.” With a big glowing smile, he returned the nod, said “Good afternoon,” and continued across the marble floor. His age-spotted hand grasp the two leashes as Sunny and Splash lead him away.

That was my first trip to Washington and maybe it didn’t happen exactly the way I described, but that’s how I’ll remember Senator Ted Kennedy.

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